Ask-the-Avatar

Why do people break up, don’t live happily ?

Mohandas Pai: Swamiji, why is there conflict in families between 2 people. Between spouses, why do people break up, don’t live happily, how to handle conflict and what causes this conflict?

Swamiji: Basically, you keep somebody as part of your cognition, but you are not ready to take the responsibility for how they expect you. See when….for example when you visualize….when somebody visualizes their joy, if they do not keep their spouse and children in that joy frame, then they don’t have to be responsible. If  they visualize fear, in that fear frame if something happening to their child, their spouse, is not there in that frame, then he doesn’t need to bother about what they think about him or how they hold him. When your joy frame, greed frame, life frames, has all of them as part of it, then we are responsible for how they hold us, what we stand for them, what is our commitments and relationships, what is our understandings and said-unsaid agreements. Not leaving any grey area, with the people who are in your life frame, is relationship.

Mohandas Pai: But Swamiji, this is very fascinating. Then, how do we relate to the rest of society? Read More

How do we overcome this need for power within our souls, within our body, within our lives?

Mohandas Pai: Swamiji, you know all of us want power in our lives, we want control, we want wealth, we want people to listen to us and this need for power in all human beings, is the root cause of much conflict, because this power is exhilarating, how do we overcome this need for power within our souls, within our body, within our lives?

Sri Nithyananda Swamiji: See first, when we are not able to handle our self, control our self, when we are not able to come to relationship with our self, we are trying to do this to others. For example, when you are not able to handle….when we are not able to handle our self  if we are trying to behave like giving up on us, we will give up on the society. If we are trying to behave like controlling us, we will control the society. How we feel with our self, the same way only we will feel with the world. If somebody is trying to control others and feel, controlling others give them joy, there is a deep vacuum in them that they are not able to control themselves. So they are struggling in controlling them selves. When we are struggling to control our self, we will also be struggling to control the world. 

If we come to completion with ourselves knowing clearly, ‘this all can be controlled’. For example my eating habit, sleeping habit, my digestion, all this can be controlled but my blood circulation, my breathing, all this cannot be controlled, that is actually good for me. When we know, ‘I myself put something in automatic gear, for my own benefit’, so this ‘what I put in automatic gear is not binding me, it is actually some of the responsibilities off from me, which I decided’. For example, our breathing pattern, our blood circulation, we put all of them into automatic, by us, it is our decision, we put them into automatic so that we can attend to something else.

End of the day, coming to the Source of everything, Context, and understanding everything, we are responsible, makes thousands of things clear.

When we start getting complete with our self, we will manifest the same completion with others. When we are not able to control our self, we will try to control us and control others. When we are not able to control our self and we give up on us, we will give up on us and give up on others.

Everything, the way we behave whether in a traffic signal or in our career or in our relationship, everything finally boils down to – ‘how we cognize us, how we behave with ourselves’. Our idea about us is the Source from which all this manifest. Even the need for the Power, is not always going to lead to a completion space or happiness space, we know!

Mohandas Pai: we know..

Swamiji: We know!

Mohandas Pai: Yes..we know…

Swamiji: But still!

Mohandas Pai: we do it…we still we do it…

Swamiji: I should say it’s a blind spot.

Mohandas Pai: blind spot…

Swamiji: We know our goal is not going to make us feel the way we want. See we want certain feeling at the end of the goal and we want something as the goal, even though we know this feeling and that goal is not going to come together, sometimes we just start travelling….towards any one direction. So I should say, it is more or less our own blind spots based on our blind spots inside us.

Mohandas Pai: Inside us but Swamiji, we live in a society, now we have relationships. We are children of a parent, we got friends, we marry, we have spouse’s, we have children, we have colleagues, we have Gurus. Now this need to find peace within. How does it correlate with the need to have relationships, can you let relationships dominate your life, how should two people deal with each other when they live together, they are part of a family?

Swamiji: With whoever we live, if we are remembering somebody or seeing somebody more than thrice a day, we are responsible for how they feel about us.

Mohandas Pai: we are responsible..

Swamiji: Yes! Sure, because they are part of us. See, when you cognize everything, for example, if you cognize your peace, can you exclude your spouse and kids and cognize your peace?

Mohandas Pai: No…

Swamiji: If you cognize your happiness, can you exclude them and cognize your happiness?

Mohandas Pai: No…

Swamiji: So if somebody is part of your cognition, they are part of you.

Mohandas Pai: We are all together…

Swamiji: They are part of you…us!

Mohandas Pai: They are part of us

Swamiji: Us! Whoever is part of you, when you cognize your fears, can you exclude them and calculate your fears? No. Something happens to them is also your fear.

Mohandas Pai: Yes…

Swamiji: When you cognize about your joy, can you exclude them and cognize?

Mohandas Pai: No…

Swamiji: So, whoever is part of your fear, your joy, your pleasure, your pain, everything happening to you, is part of you, so how you feel with them, how you feel about them, how they feel about you, for that you are responsible. Unfortunately, we always think,”Why should I be responsible for what they think about me?”

Mohandas Pai: Yes…

Swamiji: Which is see…you don’t need to be responsible for the person who goes in the street, passerby. How he feels about you, you are not responsible. You don’t need to be.

Mohandas Pai: Yes

Swamiji: Because he is not part of your life.

Mohandas Pai: Yes…

Swamiji: But everyone who is part of your life, now all titles you’ve described: spouse, son, father, daughter, Guru, all these relationships are not passerby people, people who walk in the street. They are part of your very cognition. In the cognition if they are part, how can you not be responsible for how they hold you or perceive you? The biggest blind spot all of us have is whoever is part of our thinking system….see for example when you visualize what is your joy – whoever is part of them, part of that visualization, when you visualize what is your fear – whoever is part of that visualization, when you visualize what is your happiness – whoever is part of that visualization – we are not even taking responsibility for what they think about us or how they hold us or how they perceive us!! Taking responsibility for everyone who is part of our cognition, how they feel about us, how they hold us, how they expect us – bringing Completion in that, means

if they are holding us in some way, expecting us to be something – either you make them understand that expectation is not going to become real or if you are very sure you are going it into reality, giving it as a commitment and removing the insecurity from them. This is what I call Completion.

Either you remove that expectation. The way they hold you or you make it as very vocal, oral, clear cut commitment and you stand by it. This removes, I can say 99% of the incompletions.

Happily lived ever after !

Newly married you just jump on each other thinking that the other person is going to fulfill you, complete you…..“happily lived ever after”….. Maybe you can use that statement on your tomb: “Happily lived ever after”! See, “happily lived ever after” appearing as a scrolling, and then the couple holding hands together and walking, this eternal scene is almost international! All Hollywood, Kollywood, Bollywood, Sandalwood, whatever “wood” it may be, this scene is the eternal scene, this is the end scene: “happily lived ever after”!

That is one of the biggest hopes human-beings think, that the other person will complete you, the other person will fulfill you. You jump on each other. The next scene should be you sitting on the Corporation garbage dumping yard! If I am asked to make a movie, the next scene will be that, that vast Corporation garbage dumping yard, Chennai, Bangalore, Corporation garbage dumping yard; in that a few pigs fighting with each other! And, then, realizing that neither they are fulfilling each other, nor the garbage is giving them what they want!

Understand, I am not against marriage.

I am against loaded marriage – marriage loaded with false expectations, marriage loaded with false expectations, some false promises; the man trying to take away all the power of the woman without taking the responsibility of completing her, and the woman trying to control the man without taking the responsibility of completing him.

Actually, before the marriage, you both have to sit and do the Anyakaara Parishodhana; Means, what you think about you, how you project you to others, how you perceive the other person, and how you perceive the world. This Ahankaara (outer image), Mamakaara (inner image), Anyakaara (other’s image about you), Swa-Anyakaara (your image about life and others), these four you both should sit together and analyze. This is the first thing which needs to be done before any marriage, before any relationship.

Before even making a friend, if you sit and analyze it, you will have an amazing friend, you will have a best friend! In our Sangha also I have seen, I have seen some of the best friends, they understood all these four. Both of them have understood all these four. Only then they became best friends. In your life, with whomever you shared these four, means, Inner Image, Outer Image, Others’ Image, and Life Image, and they shared their Inner Image, Outer Image, Life Image and Others’ Image, you became best buddies. If you are husband and wife, you became best husband and wife. If you are friends, you became best friends. If you are brother and sister, you became best brother and sister. The best happened between you guys when you shared what is your Inner Image now, Outer Image, Others’ Image, and Life Image, and what you want to become, both your existing image and authentic image, you became best support for each other.

Completion is not…

Completion is not apologizing.
Completion is not complaining.
Completion is not begging.
Completion is not becoming weak.
Completion is not tolerating atrocities others do.
Completion is not putting up with all stupidity of others.
Completion is not putting up with others’ powerlessness.
Completion is not letting others do whatever the want.
Completion is not being irresponsible.
Completion is not withdrawing.
Completion is not escaping.
Completion is not missing the Life.

Completion is you feeling powerful, friendly, fulfilling.
Completion is feeling complete with the other person as per the other persons’ place and space.
Completion is seeing reality in you and awakening reality in others.

“Loneliness” and “Aloneness”

Just now I used both words in the same meaning. But in order to define both words deeply, in Sanskrit we have a word – “Kaivalya”; means, “aloneness”. “Loneliness” is, you want to have somebody to escape from you and your incompletions; that is “loneliness”. Even if you have the other person or not, you will be lonely. “Aloneness” is, you are so complete, so fulfilled, so powerful, you don’t need anybody to complete you, make you powerful, that is “aloneness”, whether you have the other person or not. Whether you have the other person or not, if you are complete with yourself, you are “alone”. Whether you have the other person or not, if you are incomplete with yourself, you are “lonely”. “Lonely” people attract slavery, abusive relationships. “Alone” people attract joyful, completing relationships, where not only they are complete, they complete the other person also.

“Trust” vs “False Hopes”

Understand, again, “Trust” is from the powerful space with the clarity of what you are. Only with the clarity of what you are, “Trust” happens. “False Hopes” is you not trying to understand what you are, you not trying to understand what the other person is, is “False Hopes”.

Understand, when you understand who you are, what you feel as you inside, how you show you to others outside, how others perceive you, and how you perceive the world, if all these four are aligned, you know you. When you know you, whatever you feel is “Trust”. When you don’t know you, whatever you feel is “False Hope”. When you know you, whatever you feel about you and others is “Trust”. When you don’t know you, whatever you feel about you and others is “False Hopes”. Whatever you feel, whether it is “Trust” or “False Hopes” depends on whether you know you.

People ask me to define “trying to improve others” vs “accepting the others as they are”.

Please understand, both are wrong!

Trying to improve the other, means, constant resistance. Accepting the others as they are, means, non-caring laziness. Both are wrong!

Be very clear, the other person is not one! Look into that person. All the Completion space that person carries, accept it as it is. Imbibe, imbibe so much that you feel one with it. All the powerlessness, even if it helps you to keep the other person under your control, don’t keep that alive; it is not good for you for a long term. Help that person to complete with that. Even if you know if that person completes from that incompletion he will leave you, help the person complete. He may leave you, but he will be living with you! He may not be able to stop living with you! I have seen so many people leaving me, but they can never stop living with me.

I tell you, the other person is not one!

That is an important understanding you need to have! Neither trying to improve the others, nor accepting the others as they are, is right. Try to complete the other person wherever he or she has the incompletions; accept the other person as they are wherever they have Completion.

People ask, ‘Commitment vs Responsibility in a relationship, Swamiji, please define?’

Please understand, if you constantly think from incompletion, powerlessness, and can constantly be thinking what all can go wrong, and trying to control only that, stop only that “what all can go wrong”, that is “Commitment”. “Responsibility” means, thinking from the powerful space “what all can go right”, and making that happen, working for that. “Responsibility” is working for what all can go right. “Commitment” is stopping, working to stop what all can go wrong. Commitment is “crisis management mood”, Responsibility is “creation mood”.

In a relationship, “Responsibility” means, constantly raising it to the next, next, next levels of Completion; “Commitment” means, trying to keep the plastic rose look like the real rose by spraying the perfumes. I tell you, “Commitment” is more like dragging; “Responsibility” is more like flowering. “Responsibility” means, feeling the present and future reality of both beings as one! “Commitment” means, somehow do actions, words, to keep it alive, keep going. There is a big difference between “Commitment” and “Responsible”.

What is the difference between “devotion” and “attachment”?

Ask me this question, because I am seeing tons and tons “devoted”, and thousands and thousands “attached”!

In “devotion”, you try to experience my space of Completion. In “attachment”, you try your best to pull me down to your level of incompletion. If you expect me to act in the same pattern you wanted, it is “attachment”. If you evolve in the space I am living and radiating, it is “devotion”. That is all! Very simple definition!

People ask me many times, ‘Swamiji, define Love vs Lust vs Passion.’

When you give the same space you wanted to the other person from the understanding of Oneness, when your beings experience the same reality, it is “Love”.When your bodies try to experience the same reality by exchange of muscle-memory and the physical touch, it is “Lust”. When your minds try to exchange the bio-memories and experience Oneness, it is “Passion”.

Please understand,

when your beings try to experience Oneness, it is “Love”.

When your emotions, interests, try to experience Oneness, that is “Passion”.

When your bodies try to experience Oneness, it is “Lust”.

All the three is nothing but trying to experience Oneness at various levels. If one leads to the higher levels of Oneness, everything is right. If one leads to the next level of Oneness, the body’s Oneness leads to the level of Passion’s Oneness, the Passion’s Oneness leads to the level of the Being’s Oneness, everything is right. When body’s experience of Oneness, if it leads you to explore the Oneness of the emotion, and the emotion’s Oneness leads you to the experience of Oneness of the Being, everything is right. If any one step does not lead you to the next step, it is wrong.

What is the best way to teach children about healthy relationships?

The best way is, educate them with the simple ideas how the friendliness strengthens them again and again. Do not add your selfishness into their being. Do not add your self-centred incompletions into their thinking part. Teach them to be powerful and complete. Teach them the joy of Completion. Teach them to relate from the space of powerfulness. Bring them to the eN-Genius program. We will teach them. We will give them the experience of powerfulness, relating from the space of Completion, and healthy relationships.

‘How to use love and the relationship as a gateway to enlightenment and higher consciousness?

This is very important! Please listen! Understand, you are nothing but a bunch of your patterns, past experiences. Same way, the other person also is nothing but a bunch of patterns, past experiences, mainly incompletions. Remember, whatever leads you to incompletion will be leading the other person also into incompletion. Remember, never to retain the other person in your life through incompletions. No! Trying to have the other person in your life through incompletions is psychological slavery. Most of the time, because you are dependent on the other person, you make the other person dependent on you subtly. When you understand you don’t want to be bound by somebody, you don’t want to be controlled, you don’t want to be under slavery, you don’t want the relationship with incompletions, when you understand that, having the clarity that the other person also does not want to be bound by incompletions, powerlessness, or slavery, giving the same space you want to have to the other person is what I call “Oneness”.

Giving the space you want to have to the other person also is “Oneness”! Giving the space you want to have to the other person also is “Oneness”, understand?

Love and relationship is the greatest way your own unknown part of you can be known to you by being mirrored by the other person.

I tell you, “beloved” is a person who awakens your own unknown parts of you to you. Even you will suddenly be shocked that you can fall in love so much, you can love so much!

“Beloved” is a person who awakens that deep friendliness dimension of you which was unknown to you.

“Lover” is a person who awakens that extreme friendliness and joy which was inside you, but unknown to you.

“Teacher” is a person who awakens the knowledge component of you which was inside you, but unknown to you.

“Beloved” is a person who awakens the love component of you, friendliness component of you which was inside you, but unknown to you. Your beloved, the other person, the “other” in the relationship, is a mirror of unknown components of you. When both of you mirror each others’ unknown components and start exploring, supporting each other to complete each other, this is the best path for enlightenment! That is the best path for enlightenment! I want to tell you, no one can be achieving enlightenment alone. No one can achieve enlightenment in loneliness. Even if he does not have relationship with a man or woman, he will be having relationship with a river, or a hill, or a tree, to achieve the Complete Completion and Enlightenment.

Relationship can be beautifully used as a Gateway to Enlightenment and higher consciousness when you decide not to put the other person in the space you don’t want to be put. If you don’t want incompletions, don’t give incompletions to the other person. If you don’t want slavery, don’t give slavery to the other person. The space you wanted, give the same space to the other person; you will see, both of you reach enlightenment!